I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
