my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
3 2 1 whiskey
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
