she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
