I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
