I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
