After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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