So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
