thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize