I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
