I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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