i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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