I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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