we made out on top of his cat.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
