did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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