Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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