so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
