period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
