Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
