why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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