it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
