I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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