I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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