i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
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