I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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