I'm sorry my penis didn't work
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
