I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize