He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
