His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
