i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
