My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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