I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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