now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
