Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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