Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
