My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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