worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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