On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
