and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize