i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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