Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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