Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
