broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
