you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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