The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
