Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
