allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
