If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
