I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
