so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
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