dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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