Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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