toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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