I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
