So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
