She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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