Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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