there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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