I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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