I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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