Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
