you didnt know i had herpes?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
