he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
