Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Randomize
