I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just cropdusted the office
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
